Anti-Smash Smashing
by coolkid32
Summary: Everyone loves Super Smash Bros... but what about the other guys and gals? The characters who don't get picked for the roster? The nobodies and obscure stars? This is their story.
1. The Pitch

"This sucks," Waluigi said, staring out at the bar. "My cousin gets all the action in that damned Smash tournament, and I'm relegated to assists. What a load of bunk."

"Join the club, Mustache." That was Simon Belmont, one of several regular patrons. The famed demon slayer was leaning back in his chair, feet resting on a nearby table, a glass of mead waiting to be drunken. "Everyone here's got a sob story for why they ain't part of the fighting."

"Yeah, but I'm WALUIGI. I've been in a mountain of games. I DESERVE to be a full-fledged fighter at this point. I mean, for the love of Mushroom, they let Olimar in. OLIMAR! His only qualification is that he throws tiny plant people at you. How's that guy get invited and I'm left on the sidelines?"

Belmont scoffed. "Cause you're a sidekick, Wa-na-hawk-a-lugie. You play tennis and get overshadowed by Wario. You're hardly more well-known than Ecco the Dolphin."

"HEY!" Waluigi stood up, his face turning red. "DON'T YOU DARE COMPARE ME TO THAT FISH-CHOMPING BASTARD! Where's your invite, Belmont? I don't see Mario knockin' on your door, like he did with Mega Man and lil' screw-up Sonic. I thought you were as popular as them - turns out… hee-hee… you're their _whipping boy!_ HA HA HA HA H-"

The next thing Waluigi knew, Simon had slammed his head onto the bar and was now pressing down with his arm. "Give me an excuse, Mustache. Give. Me. An. Excuse. Cause I'm _more_ than eager to show my technique for dealing with ghouls."

"Won't be necessary, Si," the bar owner, Terra, said as she gently removed Simon's arm from atop Waluigi's head. "Why don't you sit back down and enjoy your drink? I'm sure the boy's learned his lesson. Haven't ya, Waluigi?"

"Yes, ma'am," Waluigi said in defeat. Apparently satisfied, Simon went back to his table.

"Now then," Terra said, returning to her conversation with Princess Daisy at the other end of the bar, "what was it you were saying about an empty castle?"

Daisy, seemingly entranced by the exchange that just ensued, suddenly shook her head as though returning to reality. "Yes… well, so to speak. A fort in Sarasaland was just evacuated due to some Boos haunting it. Even though I've had Luigi clear it out, the citizens don't want to return to it and its original owner fled. So now I'm stuck with land and no people to manage it."

"Maybe rent it out? I'm sure there's some hippies who'd pay top dollar for a place to put on concerts, or whatever it is that hippies do."

"Maybe," Daisy said, worriedly.

"If I may interject, ladies." Over to Terra and Daisy walked the Maverick hunter Zero, taking the seat next to Daisy. "I sense there may be an opportunity here to kill the proverbial two birds with one stone."

Daisy seemed intrigued, but Terra raised an eyebrow, skeptical. "What'd you have in mind, Z?"

"We host an anti-Smash tournament."

"WHAT!?" Daisy and Terra said at once.

Zero held his hands up in submissive fashion. "Hear me out. There's a lot of people at this bar - they want action, they wanna fight, but they're never picked to Smash. Hence, a need, which could be fulfilled by a real go-getter with a lotta spare land. AND - if we draw in the bar scene, that means some very thirsty, VERY profitable tournament goers. Get what I'm saying?"

Terra smirked at the thought of being able to expand her bar into a full-fledged chain. "I like the cut of your gib. And I _do_ have some things I've always wanted to do…"

"That could be fun," Daisy interjected.

"Hey gents," Zero shouted to Waluigi and Belmont, "how badly do you wanna fight?"

Waluigi mumbled something about that "being a nice idea". Simon chuckled, before standing tall and proclaiming "My whip shall know the taste of a foe's flesh once more!"

"Well then," Zero turned back to Terra, "let's rock and roll."


	2. Belmont v Warrior of Light

_One month later_

"Alright, plentiful seating, check. Fire doors functional, check. Weapon dampening field, check. Regenerative field, check. Safety padding… could be better. Okay, people, we are go for the first fight."

The lights went up, and Terra took in the arena. It was stadium-sized with hundreds upon hundreds of seats, formed from the cobblestone walls of the old fort. The center fighting area was covered in safety mats, underneath which was thick concrete and the occasional energy field projector. All state of the art, all on Daisy's dime.

"Did we really need the blimp?" Daisy asked from her box seat.

"Yes. Yes, we did. We need to advertise, Princess. We need to show the world we're _not_ the same as those Smash bozos."

"Okay," Daisy said, "but why does the blimp need to say "Terra's Bar & Grill" on it?"

Terra paused. "...Because reasons." She turned to her radio and began heading to her seat, intent on avoiding the subject. "Are our boys ready to go?"

" _Yes, ma'am. They're primed and ready to fight."_

"Alright, I'll let the announcer know we're set." Terra gave a thumbs up to Toad, who nodded and turned on his microphone."

" **LADIES AND GENTLESHROOMS, BOYS AND GIRLS, WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANTI-SMASH TOURNAMENT. WE'RE GONNA GET STRAIGHT INTO THE ACTION. PRESENTING… Simon Belmont, the famed demon slayer, VERSUS… The Warrior of Light!"**

Daisy turned to Terra. "It's so great the Warrior agreed to come."

"Yeah. He's really turned his life around - attending parole hearings, getting clean. I'm so proud of him."

* * *

 _Five minutes later_

" **...It's really quite embarrassing, folks,"** Toad said, cringing. " **Simon Belmont is being thrown around by the Warrior, who appears to be so drunk he's now singing show tunes."**

"GOD I HOPE I GET IT, I HOPE I GET IT!"

Toad winced, mirroring the feelings of the gathered crowd. " **This is a sad showing for the once-proud Belmont. And that's taking into account the DEPRESSING state that his opponent's in right now. Should… should we stop this?"**

"There, there, Terra," Daisy said to her friend, who'd simply curled up in a ball on the ground. "At least he didn't throw up on hims- oh, I spoke too soon."


	3. Waluigi v Shy Guy

"Okay, first match was not great, I see that now," Terra said after having been revived with coffee and news of seats being sold out. "We'll just keep the gravy train - I mean, tournament - going."

"Sure, dear," Daisy nodded, giving the signal to Toad.

" **Oooooookay. Well, after that… interesting fight, we have quite the match-up to look forward to. PRESENTING… the clown prince of clown princes, Waluigi, VERSUS… Subcon citizen and Koopa minion, SHY GUY!"**

* * *

"Alright, nothing personal, little fella," Waluigi said as he marched out onto the field, "but I've gotta do what the fans-" He didn't get to finish his taunt before Shy Guy launched himself at Waluigi's face, slapping and biting indiscriminately.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Shy Guy writhed around. "Just let it happen, Mustache. Just let it happen."

"Get. Off. Me." Waluigi began hitting Shy Guy with his tennis racket… only for Shy Guy to jump away, leaving Waluigi to get a face-full of racket.

" **OUCH! That's gonna sting!"**

Waluigi looked up at the announcer booth. "Whose side you on?" Whatever Toad had to say in response was lost to him, as Shy Guy took this opportunity to kick Waluigi in the crotch.

"EEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Waluigi collapsed to his knees. "What is Bowser teaching you people?"

Shy Guy paused right as he was winding up for another punch. "What do you mean YOU PEOPLE!?"

"Uhhhhhhhh…"

* * *

After being slammed against several walls, throat-punched, kicked in the crotch a few more times, lit on fire, being chomped by a Chain Chomp (that Shy Guy _somehow_ managed to summon) and finally beaten with his own shoe, Waluigi had the vague feeling that now might be the time to respectfully forfeit the match.

Or at least, he _would_ if he hadn't been reduced to a drooling mess that Shy Guy was now jumping on victoriously.

"Ha ha! Look at me, mom and dad! I'm number one. Not those stupid plumbers Mario or Green, ME! Yay! Yay! Yay!"

In the stands, Daisy and Terra were cackling with glee.

"He looks like a pancake!"

"This is probably what he'd look like if Wario had sat on him, and just _never_ got back up!"

"Hee hee… Are we terrible people for laughing at his pain?"

Terra paused to consider it. "Nah. It's Waluigi, so it's fine."


	4. Birdo v Conker

" **NEXT UP, we have the lovely Birdo going up against a VERY special guest…"**

Waluigi slumped into a chair beside Daisy. "Who's the guest?"

"I don't know. Terra?"

Terra leaned over. "Guy from across the pond. Seemed a bit down on himself, but definitely has a reputation for being tough in battle. I thought it'd make a good match…" She stopped once she caught a look at Waluigi. And promptly began laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Waluigi frowned. "Why are you laughing?"

"You… you have… a gigantic black eye… that looks like a beetle… had sex with your face," Terra panted, struggling to speak.

"Really?" Waluigi turned to Daisy. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I… didn't think it was that bad," Daisy answered.

Waluigi threw out his arms in exasperation. "SHE'S LAUGHING AT IT! CLEARLY IT'S BAD!"

"Oh god," cried Terra. "I think this may be the end of me… the laughter… so much…"

" **...Please give a warm hand to your friend and mine, the King of the Woods, Conker the Squirrel!"**

* * *

Down on the arena floor, Conker walked out into the lights, blinking. "Wow… there are a surprising amount of people here. It's also very bright."

He did a double take when he saw what looked like a pink dragon with a flat black nose hole.

"Goodness, I need to lay off the sauce for a day or two. My vision's getting a little hallucination-y."

The dragon glared at him, before firing off an egg. Conker narrowly leaped out of the way.

"Jesus. The hell's wrong with you?" Conker shouted. "That's not where eggs are supposed to come from."

Suddenly he was being thrown back by the dragon, who'd charged at him full force. He slammed against a wall at full force, getting disoriented. "Wooooooooooooooo boy. That was a doozy."

Conker shook it off, and ducked underneath the pink dragon's snout, getting in a few punches at its ribs.

"WAH!" it screeched.

"How do ya like that? It's not nice, is it?" Conker followed up with a slap of its nose, then a knee to the stomach.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The dragon stumbled back, clutching its chest. Conker smirked, feeling victorious… before seeing the dragon topple towards him.

"No no no no-!"


End file.
